Whisper…

A week ago today I lost my brother. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the voice of my mother screaming at me over the phone. I don’t think I’ll ever forget my father’s reaction when I called and told him. That night I broke down. I couldn’t stand,I couldn’t walk or drive, I could not even stop the tears. Only one thought went through my mind. “I should have been a better brother.”

I’m ashamed of that thought. Partly because if Keith had been there at moment and had  heard me say it he would slapped me upside the head. Then, after the world stop spining and I finally came too, he would wack me on the other side…

I’m not afraid to admit that I was angry that night. I was so mad at God for allowing this to happen… It didn’t seem fair or right. My thoughts went to his soon to be born daughter and how she would never know her father… It made me cry…I don’t know to this day if I ever told him how proud I was of him… I think that’s what pains me most is all the oportunities I lost… I would be lying if I said today that I didn’t still feel a touch of that anger… But God is gracious, and the love and comfort he provided through the many friends and family allowed me to get through this week…

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to understand why this happened the way that it did… And I don’t think I really want to either… What I want more than anything is to never forget those unique moments we had… That to me is what makes my relationship with my brother so good…

I remember once when Keith was in Middle School and had to write a paper on a “unique career choice.” Now our mother at the time was working for the American Red Cross and was heading the organ and tissue donation across the State… Basically, in short she was a ‘Bone Collector.’ Now to the normal person that would be a good paper topic for a ‘Unique career.’  My brother though was very different. He liked to think outside of the box, and he did often… Instead, my brother CHOOSE & wrote, for his ‘Unique Career Choice paper,’ what it would be like to be a male stripper.

Yep, you can guess what came next… A teachers phone call to my mother… The only problem was, my brother could write… And he could write well… In fact the paper was so well written that the teacher felt bad and simply asked him and my mother to re-write it on a different subject and turn it in without penalty…

That was my brother though… He had guts and ambition… He wasn’t afraid to try something… And if he was going to try something he would give it a hundred percent everytime… There are a hundred little things I will miss… Like whose going to call and tell me my Yankees suck… Or who am I going to call to discuss novels and movies with… I’ll miss him calling Ashley to ask her how to season a cast iron skillet, or him ragging on me because I never answer my phone… I’ll miss him telling me he loves me… Most of all, I’ll miss him calling me to tell me about what he just bought Ella…

Words can’t describe how painful, but yet HOW joyful I have felt over the past week… I’m not sure what God is trying to teach me at the moment… All I know is that he has my attention… I only pray I stay silent long enough to not miss His whisper…

J.J.

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